Wednesday, July 08, 2009


When Chicago Guy died, I was convinced that a part of me died with him. Specifically, the part that believed that true love is possible for me. I assumed that the little speck in my generally cold, cynical heart that believed in finding someone I felt all those romantic sparks for was dead.

I was wrong. It's still there.

Do I think I will ever actually find that person? Probably not. If I happen to, do I believe that we will really end up together? Again, 99% chance that will never happen.

Regardless, it feels good to know that it's still there. I attempted to shut off all my feelings and basically become an emotionless sociopath in the interest of never getting hurt again. I'm still a normal human being with feelings, which is a more satisfying place to be.

I'm happy that I'm finally healing from that whole situation and that I can still be who I really am.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The difference between men and women

My boyfriend visited a friend's house last night because the friend was having problems with his new plasma TV. The friend's ex-girlfriend's mother died, and she inherited a bunch of money. So, the friend's ex, who lives in a different state, bought him a very expensive TV. Hmmm.

My boyfriend: "Dina's" mom died, so she got a bunch of money and she bought "Rick" a plasma TV. Blah blah blah, technical TV talk about why it wasn't working...

Me: Wait a minute, why did Dina buy Rick a TV just because she got some money? (side note: their break-up was not friendly)

Him: I didn't ask. Blah, blah, blah, five minutes of more technical TV talk.

Me: You didn't even address the interesting part of that story.

The difference? In his mind, he did.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Well, it wasn't eight months...

What the hell, I'll tell this from the beginning...

Last week, Chicago guy emails me out of nowhere asking if we could hang out sometime. Some emails go back and forth and we make plans to hang out this Saturday. The plan was, if he couldn't get a babysitter for his one kid, I'd meet him at his house around nine, after the kid was in bed. I have no idea where his wife and other kid were, and I didn't ask. If he could get a babysitter, we'd meet earlier on (6:30, which was emphasized many times). He did get a babysitter, and 6:30 it was. So we hang out and have some beers and talk and play a little Tiger Woods on PS2, and flirt a bit. Then 9:00 rolls around, and we start making out, under the lovely professional portrait of him and his wife hanging in their living room. The portrait bugs me from the moment I noticed it. You could feel the fake and insincere posing of it just radiating from the picture. And then he takes me upstairs and we have sex in their bed. It was kind of mediocre, but some sex definitely beats no sex, trust me. So then we get dressed and go back downstairs and smoke a cigarette, and he informs me that he has to pick his kid up from the babysitter at 10. It's like 9:40 at this point. We chat a little longer and we end up having sex on his kitchen counter. Which was fantastic. Now that's the type of thing that turns me on. We then smoke another cigarette, and he leaves to go pick up his kid and I go home.

Unanswered questions:
  • Where were his wife and other kid? I assume they went on some kind of mini-vaca with either her mom or one of her friends, which they've been known to do. This is not an important detail.
  • If he couldn't get a babysitter, was he planning to bang me with his kid in the house, or were we just going to hang out?
  • I went back and forth wondering if the intent was for us to have sex or was it just for us to hang out. I'm still not sure of the original plan, perhaps he was just going with the flow.
  • If he didn't get a babysitter, was he going to kick me out at some point?
  • Why didn't we go out somewhere instead of just chillin' at his house? I really figured we'd do something, then come back and do it. Seriously. That being said, it looks like he has a new and expensive car payment and the accompanying full coverage insurance, and his phone got cut off, so he's probably broke. Or, he would've gotten an overnight babysitter but one wasn't available. Maybe I just answered my own question. Or he knew I'd give it up without being taken out first.

While I enjoy the sex, and I will probably come back for more if the opportunity presents itself (he has to make the first move, because I have to maintain some little remnants of my self-respect), this thing has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Because this is the bottom line--I'm good enough to fuck (vulgar term is necessary here) but not good enough to have a relationship with. He had the chance and let it go by because my boyfriend is his friend and he doesn't want to hurt him :'-(. You're willing to fuck his girlfriend though. Uh huh. More like you're too much of a pussy to complete your divorce and have to OMG pay child support and do visitation and find your own apartment etc. etc. etc. I get that having divorced parents is not an ideal situation for children but neither is living in an environment of constant hostility. And if you and your wife are getting along perfectly (including the sex part) and you're still cheating on her, that's pretty fucked up. I cheat on my boyfriend for two reasons: 1. We don't have sex, or even sexual type activities, including kissing, ever. 2. After six years, it feels like we have the same conversation over and over again and I need variety. Do I love him? Yes. Do I want to break up with him given current circumstances? No.

Next weekend, I'm going out and getting FUCKED UP, period. It's been too long and I really need to blow off some steam.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Chicago Guy

Last weekend I talked to Chicago guy for the first time in eight months. Who's Chicago guy? Leave a comment and ask. Anyway, it was awkward. But it did make me remember what I liked so much about him (as a friend) in the first place. I hope it's not another eight months before we hang out again.


I thought I really wanted to be in a relationship with him at the time. Now I realize the spark I felt is like the fake Glade scented "candle" I keep on my desk. Looks and feels like the real thing, but will never set anything on fire.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Stuff about work...

The nemesis from my old team is leaving and going to a whole new department. Meaning that team will be down two people. I wouldn't go back, however. Even though I feel like I'm interloping on my new team's little clique sometimes, I still like the new team better. I prefer not to work with all women, and I find the subject matter more interesting. Plus, if they asked me to go back, I would be kind of irritated. That would be unfair to me. Hey, leave the old team and come back two months later. Uh, no. Plus, a bunch of people from that team got promoted, so now they're the same annoying people, now with fake authority. No thanks.

One thing I dislike about the new team is our manager's management style. Which can be summed up like this: "Blah, blah, blah, delegate, delegate, no follow up ever." She also goes to roughly 14 million meetings a day, so she literally never has five minutes to talk to you. But, she is assigning one of the specialist/consultant people around to be our "people manager" and handle stuff when she's not around. So hopefully, there will be more accountability and follow-up. They are also starting to keep track of how much work we actually get done like the old team did. Again, accountability. I found her choice of the person to take on the people manager duties interesting, but perhaps the people that I find to be more obvious choices weren't interested in "people management." I would be, if I was in that position.

Finally, on a more upbeat note...

I totally have a work crush. It's funny, because it's not the person I mentioned in an earlier post. In fact, I find him kind of annoying. (Since when does he get to delegate stuff to me? This is the last time. That's another topic.) No, it's someone else. Things I find attractive about him, in bullet-form:

  • He's a good looking guy.
  • His speaking voice
  • He's in the military (it's the men in uniform thing. Funny, it doesn't extend to mail carriers or UPS guys)
  • Sense of humor
  • The fact that he doesn't feel the need to talk, talk, talk all the time. Like me.

There's probably more, but I haven't actually been at work for a couple of days. But, there's no chance of a hookup, because he's married, with a second kid on the way. I don't think he would go for me anyway, but even if he did (which is not possible!) I don't think I would... Who am I kidding, I would. But it's not going to happen. It's fun to have a work crush, anyway.