Wednesday, November 05, 2008

More from the advice columnists...

Best advice columnist ever--Dan Savage of Savage Love. The only reason to read the insanely overrated Onion. Well, I guess their movie and music reviews are pretty good too. But I digress...

I love my husband. But he won't eat it. Absolutely won't lick me down there. I do everything for him! We've even started ass play, with me sticking a finger in his ass while I blow him. I've explained to him that I can't come—not hard!—without it. He insists that he never will go there, and he has accused me of trying to make him do something totally against his moral code. I'm distraught to the point of wanting to cheat on him! What do I do?

Unlicky In Love

Cheat on him already, UIL.

And while you're online searching for a man who'll go down on you, UIL, I'm going to go online and Google "moral codes." I'm curious about this mysterious moral code your husband cites, one that permits a finger up the butt during a blowjob but forbids cunnilingus entirely. I know it's not a Catholic thing—I was an altar boy—but maybe it's a Mormon delusion, like magic underpants and coffeephobia and "Mitt Romney 2012."

First of all, I love Dan's column despite his liberalism. Hey, he's a gay man who lives in Seattle, what do you want. I'm not a social conservative (except maybe when it comes to abortion) so I'm cool with the column generally. That being said, Dan has now officially given me justification in cheating. Woo hoo. On that front, I've fooled around with the same person under more unintentional drunken circumstances. But we didn't have sex because his conscience gets in the way. I don't blame him, but he doesn't know all the facts. For a minute there my brain was starting to trick me into thinking I really like him. I don't, though. He's a really good friend, and too good of a human being for me to cheat with. As I told him, I can keep secrets and put stuff behind me. Better than anyone in the world knows.

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