Thursday, August 07, 2008

www.westallisdates.com

Milwaukee Barbies

Galleria Barbie:This princess Barbie is only sold in Elm Grove. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Note: Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Brookfield Barbie:This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Marquette Barbie:This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small untraceable bills, unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what the hell you are talking about.

The Oak Creek Barbie:This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own Starbuckscup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

UWM Barbie:Short, highly tanned and ready to land a husband, we mean get an education. Comes with standard issue shorts with “UWM” printed largely on the butt. Also comes wearing latest “themed” sorority party T-shirt, hair in pony tail and a gaggle of similar looking friends, each carrying the latest in “knock off” Kate Spade bags. Honda Civic, undecided major and drunken backward hat Frat Ken sold separately.

West Allis Barbie:This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

River Hills Barbie:This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard print spandex outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends on her boat. Percocet prescription available.

South Milwaukee Barbie:This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Cudahy Barbie’s (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

River west Barbie:This slacker Barbie looks an awful lot like Brookfield Barbie without a shower. Comes complete with a pack of clove cigarettes and a sixer of PBR. There are accessory packages with various assortments of body piercing and tattoos available, but they must be purchased separately because, like, she doesn’t have a job.

Bay view Barbie:This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight faded blue hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her”Willow” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Bay view Barbies, and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

North side Barbie:This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangster Ken and his ‘79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Southside Barbie:This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Skippers in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a cowboy hat, shovel and work gloves. Ken comes with his own 1979 Ford pickup with a Telemundo bumper sticker, tinted windows, and Our Lady of Guadalupe rear window stickers. Truck is painted primer gray, but wheels and rims are not available. Comes with cement blocks. Green cards are not available for Southside Barbie or Ken.

East Side Barbie/ Ken:This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts

Consider this in conjunction with the website www.westallisdates.com.

No comments: