Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wow...OMG...Eww

I took a look at the Craigslist personals today. I'm bored. I have issues.

Issues include:

I'm in a relationship. Seriously, I love the guy very much and I know he loves me. A few months ago some issues in our relationship bubbled to the surface after existing for a while but being undiscussed:

1. He had no job for over a year-plus. No money. No contribution to the household or even his own needs.
2. He had no plans for his future.
3. He had (has?) a drug problem.
4. We haven't had sex in over two years.

So a male friend pointed this out to me (except for number 4, which he wasn't aware of), and whatever, I end up sleeping with the dude. It was kewl for a while, like we were dating. I really liked the other guy a lot and could see a future with him, but clearly he didn't feel the same way. We got into a fight and haven't spoken since. A week after that, my boyfriend and I get into a fight where I discuss the four issues above, and sub-issues, and he pretty much sits there and listens. The only explanation he has for the sex thing is something about self-esteem, I don't know, I was too angry to really listen at that point. OK. So in the past three months since the argument, he has taken definite positive steps in the direction of issues 1-3. Job, plans for an apprenticeship, drastically reduced drug use. Still no sex.

So I think I'm going to cheat on him again. Which is really, really messed up. At one point I compared this whole thing to not wanting to quit one job before I had another one. My mother confronted me with "Don't waste your life with someone you don't really love," but I'm not. If I didn't love him I'd break up with him regardless of any fear of being alone (which is definitely a factor, trust me). So if I got another "job," like I thought I might possibly have with the other guy, I might leave him. I'm definitely not seeing anyone else currently, and in my heart I don't want to break up with him because I love him. At this point, I would like to have some casual sex with someone outside my social circle, since I'm not getting it at home and I really can't think of how to rectify that situation.

A note: I am not fat. I actually have a cute body. I'm above-average looking I think. No major acne or teeth problems.

I don't have any close female friends that I could just go out with "the girls" to meet some guys out somewhere. If I did, I'm sure I could meet someone decent-looking, not too gross, into the casual sex thing.

So today I checked out the Craigslist. And...yuck. Exactly what you think people looking for casual sex on the internets would be. 45 seeking half my age. Penis pictures quite possibly stolen from porno sites. "I'm a little heavy but I carry it well." Seriously, I didn't think I'd actually find anything interesting there, but definitely worse than I imagined.

Do I feel bad for seeking to cheat on my boyfriend? Definitely. I don't want to hurt him, and it causes me cognitive dissonance because I consider myself an honest and ethical person. But I also don't think I should be celibate the rest of my life because he has weird sex issues that he is not willing to explain. Or failing that, just no interest in sex, which is a weird sex problem for a man in his 20s.

As for the other guy, I'm happy what happened happened, because I don't know if the issues would have ever been discussed without his intervention. It sucks because we can't be friends anymore. I miss him as a friend very much, but I don't think a relationship between us would have really worked out. I think he wants/needs someone more passive than me. He's one of those men who likes to be the smarter one and in charge all the time. Pretty sure he hooked back up with his ex-wife. I hope his life is going well and he's happy.

The moral of the story--normal people, please don't look for sex on Craigslist.

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